sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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