I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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