I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My hand turned me down
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
