at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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