I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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