a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
