my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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