Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
