I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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