I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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