I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
