I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
