I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize