p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
