I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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