mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
