Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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