a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
