Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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