They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Im part way to drunk.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
