It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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