Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
