you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize