My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize