I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
