He kissed a someone with a penis
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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