So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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