in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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