Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
