She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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