No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
