Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize