I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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