i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
