the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
