How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
