I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
