i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
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