woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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