im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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