So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
