I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
