I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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