I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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