i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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