so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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