Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
