Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
