My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
40s are totally the cure
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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