I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize