God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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