before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
