I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
