the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
