You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
