he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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