i think my tv is drunk
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
