Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
