I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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