I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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