Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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