My cat gives me a boner
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize