I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
