We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize