just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize