You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
