life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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