I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
please come you make the beer taste better
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
