it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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