After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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