I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize