don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
What drink are we having for lunch?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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