90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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