a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
